Gender Communication Blog (Fall 2012)

Hooks (2000) sees feminism as a movement to end sexist oppression. The book How to Negotiate With Kids is about how to shape the parenting styles into a way that won’t be sexist oppression.

At the very first beginning of the book How to Negotiate With Kids, it defined parents into several negotiations styles. One of these styles is called Accommodator. “Accommodators are willing to sacrifice their own interests for those of others and tend to value their relationships more than the outcome of a dispute. These negotiators empathize with the feelings of others and give in to preserve the relationships or to buy peace, at least temporarily.” (Brown, 2003, p.5) Then Brown (2003) states, “Women are more likely than men to be accommodators.”(Brown, 2003, p.6) Although Brown (2003) doesn’t state this point very clearly, in most of his examples in the book, men fall in to the style—hard bargainers. Right on the contrary to accommodators, “Hard bargainers push their own interests and pay relatively little attention to the interests of others. They are often domineering and tend to be emotionally reactive. They want to get what they want, and quickly.” (Brown, 2003, p.5)

“Unlike other forms of oppression, most people witness and/or experience the practice of sexist domination in family settings.” (Hooks, 2000, p.38) Additionally, Hooks (2000) states, “we are simultaneously taught that this love is not as important as having power to dominate others”. (Hooks, 2000, p.38) In this book, the powerful role in the family “hard bargainer” parents, usually men, always by sending messages of “because I say so” or “you should do that”, create male-domain families. By giving advices like: “Instead of ‘You never help clear the table,’ try ‘I expect you to work a little harder.’” (Brown, 2003, p.63) Or “Instead of thinking ‘hey, you can’t talk to me that way!’ try, ‘why is she talking to me that way? What am I doing that may be irritating her?’” (Brown, 2003, p.90) Brown (2003) is trying to avoid sexist oppression in family.

However, Brown doesn’t appreciate both of these parenting style, because both of them cannot “build the self-discipline or problem-solving skills we want for our children or the relationships we want for our family.” (Brown, 2003, p.11) In addition, Brown (2003) believes although both of those styles seem to deal the problems temporarily, they will upgrade the level of conflicts and make life worse eventually.

Feminist ideals exist throughout The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook, particularly those associated with both second-wave and third-wave feminism. As Krolokke and Sorensen explain, second-wave feminism focused on the concept of difference. Similarly, Martin celebrates difference throughout her book, stating, “We have learned to make our differentness our strength.” (p. 6) For example, Martin asserts that “the children of lesbians and gay men are the most considered and planned-for children on earth” (p. 15).

Krolokke and Sorensen mention that second-wave feminism critiqued Western universalism’s “hierarchical ordering, in which one element is not only different from but also less than the other” (p. 14). This critique is reflected in Martin’s book, where she quotes one son of lesbian parents as saying, “I think growing up with lesbian parents taught me about how people can be different. And being different is just different, it isn’t better or worse” (p. 26).

As a book that advocates for equal family rights for gay and lesbian couples, The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook engages in what Krolokke and Sorensen call “identity politics” (p. 12). Krolokke and Sorensen indicate a potential weakness of identity politics, however: “Gay rights activists, for example, paradoxically perpetuate the notion of heterosexuality as the norm when they attempt to secure more rights for homosexuals” (p. 14).

By bringing attention to the marginalized homosexual population, the Handbook also reflects values associated with third-wave feminism. Krolokke and Sorensen mention queer theory and politics, which “create a platform for what has now split into the lesbian, gay, bi-, and transsexual and transgender movements. Queer and transgender feminists attack what they see as the crux of the problem: heteronormativity. They call for recognition of queers” (p. 19). The Handbook advocates for such recognition–for example, Martin explains that “if we [gay and lesbian parents] don’t come out to them [doctors], we will have to deal with the consequences of invisibility” (p. 61).

Some other quotes from the book that reflect or discuss feminist ideals include the following:

“In general, most of those opposed to surrogacy are political conservatives who see it as a violation of traditional family proscriptions, whereby sex and reproduction are always supposed to occur together within the confines of marriage. Yet feminists have been divided on the surrogacy issue, with some feminists siding with conservatives to condemn surrogacy as harmful to women.” – pp. 105-106

“Carmel Shalev, a feminist lawyer, feels that a woman should absolutely be allowed to enter into surrogacy contracts for payment, and should be required to honor those contracts. Not to do so, she argues, would be to continue the patriarchal ‘protectiveness’ of women that has kept them and their reproductive capacities under male domination for centuries.” – p. 107

“An ongoing dialogue about diversity in our families enables our children to learn a wonderful perspective on human relations and society with the same ease and familiarity with which they learn to speak and read.” – p. 182

Hook, Bell 2000 Article “A Feminist Movement to End Sexist Oppression” connects to the parenting book (“Calm and Compassionate Child” by Susan Dermond) in different ways. The first way would be how the article talks about how the feminist movement is trying to eradicate sexism. Throughout the book, Dermond discusses the parents working together as a team to raise the child, and oppose the traditional idea of the husband working to financially provide, and the mother staying home and raising the child on her own. An example of an exercise that Dermond encourages the parents to do together with the child is music. “Listening to music with a steady rhythm of around 60 beats per minute helps slow the heart rate to a calm measured place and slows the breathing” (2007, p.98). This exercise requires the mother, father and child to be there together as a family, and help the child in the best way that they both can. There is no sexism present, and both parents have an equal opportunity to help or soothe their child in the best way that they can. Along with this, Dermond (2007) uses very gender-neutral words throughout the book. Unless she is talking about a specific example of a male or female, she uses words such as: Individual, student, parent, teacher, child and so on.

Another point discussed in the Hooks, Bell (2000) article is “defining feminism as a movement to end sexist oppression is crucial for the development of theory because it is a starting point indicating the direction of exploration and analysis”. So once sexist oppression ends, we can begin to explore and analyze a correct definition of feminism. This can connect to the book because Dermond discusses: “An even more subtle type of personal power is the power to help others through positive energy” ( 2007, p. 162). Instead of oppressing people, we must start over and create a positive definition of feminism and work equally together with both males and females. We can also start by teaching our child this.

Going into more detail, Good enough parenting: the sensible discipline
guide for new parents, closely relates to two distinct types of feminism
that have been explained by Krolokke & Sorensen (2005) in Three waves of feminism: from suffragettes
to grrls. During the second-wave feminism era, theorists Nancy Chodorow &
Carol Gilligan (1978), turned to a more ‘women-friendly psychoanalytic theory’ in
order to highlight women’s productive capacities in terms of motherhood and
caretaking, as opposed to women’s standpoint on, and criticism of, political
and capitalist society. Their main focus was to show that women also have a
caring side which allows them to be strong-willed, loving, devoted, friendly,
and caring mothers.  Fair (2012) is not
only a mother of four children, but insightful and wise in terms of motherhood
and caretaking. She says, “I haven’t met a mother
who doesn’t have guilt as a constant, or at the very least, occasional
companion. Sometimes I think that when you give birth to a child, you
immediately get a new middle name – guilt” (p.74).  Fair (2012) explains that mothers are
constantly asking themselves questions such as “am I doing and giving enough,
encouraging and hugging enough, and even disciplining enough?” She says that
mothers have strong guilt when parenting and taking care of their children because
they feel that they can’t be perfect, regardless of how hard they try to be.  Fair (2012) says that it is not a mother’s
job a be perfect, but good enough; “Perfect parenting (or over-parenting) are
damaging to children because they never get to experience delayed
gratification, disappointments and real life experiences of how to handle
conflict and failures…good enough parenting acknowledges that the parent-child
relationship consists of two unique, but flawed people each with his own set of
needs and want” (p. 75).

Along with encouragement, love, care, and
friendliness, mothers must also be dominant in a sense that they remain in
control of their children and that their children grow up with discipline and
manners. According to Krolokke & Sorensen (2005),
third-wave feminism produced what is known today as “grrl feminism,” or simply,
“girl power.” Although mothers are not trying to gain dominance by flaunting
their bodies or exaggerating their social status as a woman, Fair (2012) says
that mothers must embrace a sense of empowerment and assert their dominance
respectfully towards their children in order to ensure discipline within the
household and as they mature throughout life. She says that parents get
stressed very easy and want to punish their children, but need to do so in a
manner that will not have a damaging effect on them.  An example that Fair (2012) talks about is
how she came home from work and saw her 3-year-old daughter writing on the wall
with peanut butter; instead of getting upset, she complimented her creativity,
joined her, played “clean-up,” and then she sternly explained that her daughter
is not allowed to draw on the wall again or she will have to be punished.  She explained, that by understanding and
encouraging her daughter, but using subtle dominance, she was able to make her
daughter understand, but differentiate between right and wrong. Fair (2012) explains
that being an encouraging and caring mother is not only essential but necessary
to a child’s life; using “girl power,” or in this case, “mother power,” parents
are able to keep their children out of trouble at home, in school, with friends
and other family members, and throughout life in general.

Key Words: empowerment, girl power, mother-friendly, encouragement, love, care, friendliness,
strong, dominant, creative, understanding, family, friends, respect.