By Anonymous | Photo courtesy of “MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS” by Chloe Capture
“My Mental Health” is a Suffolk Voice opinion series exploring how the pandemic and online learning has affected students’ mental health.
As an individual who has always internalized nearly everything, trying to make sense of this past year has been an absolute struggle. So many events and things occurred that I’m starting to lose track. Donald Trump was impeached and later acquitted; Australia burned; there was almost a third World War; COVID-19 spread rapidly; I quarantined with my family for three months and didn’t see anyone else; Election Day turned into Election Week and occupied countless hours of our time. The list goes on and on.
If I had to summarize the past year in one word, I’d probably choose “exhausting.” Physically, and especially mentally. I’m 21 years old. How am I supposed to process all of this? Sadly, there is no answer to that question. No one has really been through any of this before. There is no manual, no guide, or pamphlet. I am floating in a directionless world. Each time I think something good will come, my hopes are dashed; those feelings are cut short.
I desire consistency, routine, even boredom. Yes, boredom. Boredom in the sense that we have no national emergencies or constitutional crises occurring at any one time. The boredom that emerges from routine, and not from a lack of it (as the difference is stark). The boredom that leads me to new hobbies, activities, and desires. As you can likely guess, I feel stuck. My head is swirling as I write this. I am exhausted. I wake up, and I want to go back to bed. I go to bed early because I don’t have any reason to stay up late.
I feel as if my mental well-being has been pushed so far in the wrong direction. It’s currently at the edge of a narrow cliff. But, I’m trying. I’m trying to try. I know deep down that I do care about myself. Each day, I try to do a little thing or two to distract myself or fulfill myself in some way: reading a book; going outside and going for a walk; or cooking or baking. But, seemingly, no matter how many “little things” I do in one day, it doesn’t change much at all.
Someone bring me a guide, a manual, a way to feel unstuck again. I am not religious, but I do believe there is much out there that currently can’t be explained; whether spiritual or extra-terrestrial. We are not alone in this universe. While that freaks me out, it gives me some weird sense of hope. I’ll cling on to that for now, as I know better days are coming.