By Kristin Kelley
October 1987 marked the first National Domestic Violence Awareness Month and since 1989 Congress has officially designated October as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Every 9 seconds, a woman in the United States is assaulted or beaten by a current or former significant other.[1] One misconception surrounding domestic violence is outside parties saying, “Why not just leave?” The purpose of this blog is not only to shed light on domestic violence and offer support to those suffering from it, but also to correct some of those misconceptions.
Many people hear domestic violence and think to themselves, ‘I have never been physically hit so I am not in an abusive relationship.’ Yet domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. It is important to define because someone can maintain power and control over another partner in numerous ways, and not all of them are physical. More importantly, emotional, financial and sexual abuse in relationships are much harder to spot and therefore, much easier to ignore. Many victims of domestic violence suffer behind closed doors and when their abuse is not physically visible, the invisible scars are easy to miss. A majority of the time, victims of emotional and mental abuse do not realize they are in an abusive relationship. This disconnect causes victims not to seek help, and they become accustomed to the abuse and some believe it is normal behavior.
Another answer to the “why not just leave?” question is money. Without access to money, a place to live and or any means to support themselves, victims become dependent on their abusers. It becomes even more complicated when children are involved. Where will they live? How will they afford to eat? How will their children get to school? Many additional questions and fears arise when victims are financially dependent on their abusers.
A common misconception about domestic violence is that it only occurs when a man abuses a woman. Anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender can be a victim of domestic violence. In fact, 1 in 7 men aged 18 and older in the United States have been the victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.[2] Men are less likely to come forward when they are victims of domestic violence because of the misconception in society that a woman cannot abuse a man. Society and media have arguably encouraged abuse on men by women. Just think, how many television shows, movies, etc. have you seen that show women slapping, hitting, spitting, screaming and or demeaning men they are dating? It is not only plastered in the media, but accepted socially in many situations. It is also important to note, domestic violence does not just happen in heterosexual relationships, it can happen in any LGBTQ relationship. Additionally, in LGBTQ relationships, there are different tactics of power and control such as “outing” someone, portraying violence as mutual and even consensual, etc.
Another misconception about domestic violence is that the best way to help a victim of domestic violence is through tough love. People can sometimes try to force their loved one to leave an abusive relationship, but it is much easier said than done and there are many different factors that go into leaving an abuser. It is always best to keep the lines of communication open and be extremely supportive. That is not to say that you should ignore the signs of abuse when a loved one wishes to stay in the relationship, or denies the abuse, it is still equally as important to voice that are you are concerned about their safety. Resources are also available on how to approach these situations if you are unsure about how someone may react.
Overall domestic violence awareness may be in October, but there are eleven more months in the year where we as a community need to be aware as well. Every kind of abuse whether physical, mental, emotional, sexual or financial should be taken seriously. We should avoid all the misconceptions about abuse and further educate ourselves. As a community we can educate our youth, loved ones and all, the signs of domestic violence, some of the effects of domestic violence and how and where to seek help.
Some Signs to Look For in Your Relationship or a Loved One’s Relationship
- Has your partner hit, beat, strangled you in the past?
- Does your partner discourage you and/or isolate you from seeing friends or family members?
- Does your partner control all the money in the household?
- Does your partner insult, shame and demean you, in private and/or in public?
- Has your partner pressured you to use drugs and/or alcohol?
- Has your partner pressured you to engage in sexual activity when you do not want to?
- Has your partner ever destroyed your personal property?
- Does your partner interfere with your work and/or school?
- Does your partner prevent you from making your own decisions?
- Does your partner accuse you of cheating and is often jealous of your outside relationships?
- Does your partner control what you wear and/or your personal appearance?
- Does your partner threaten you with physical abuse?
- Does your partner intimidate you with threats of any nature?
*You do not have to answer yes to all or even a majority of these questions. If you answered yes to even one or two, reach out to someone you trust or one of the resources below.
Resources
There are many resources you can use for help. If you feel you are or you may know someone in a domestic violence relationship, reach out and learn more. Get the help you so greatly deserve.
Please note computer use can be monitored, if you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-(800)-799-7233.
Massachusetts Coalition Against Sexual Assault & Domestic Violence/Jane Doe, Inc.
14 Beacon Street, Suite 507
Boston, MA 02108
Hotline: 1 (877) 785-2020
TTY/TTD: 1 (877) 521-2601
Office: (617) 248-0922 Fax: (617) 248-0902
Website: www.janedoe.org
Email: info@janedoe.org
Kristin Kelley is a fourth-year evening student at Suffolk University Law School. She is currently employed at a South Shore law firm handling family law cases. Kristin hopes to help domestic violence and sexual assault survivors achieve justice during legal career.
[1]National Domestic Violence Awareness Month – October, National Day Calendar, https://nationaldaycalendar.com/national-domestic-violence-awareness-month-october/ (last visited Oct. 2019).
[2]Behind Closed Doors: The Impact of Domestic Violence on Children, Unicef,http://www.unicef.org/protection/files/BehindClosedDoors.pdf (last visited Oct. 2019)
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this blog are the views of the author alone and do not represent the views of JHBL or Suffolk University Law School.