Tired

Drawing Structure and Expression II:

We had our midterm crit. Gabe said my work had made a jump since the beginning of the year. It was much better than the fall, partly because being idle in the summer put me out of practice and I was too nervous to do any real good drawings. Fear pretty much destroys every project I work on. This term, I just decided that I can’t draw and to have fun with it. By doing that, I wasn’t afraid of screwing up my drawing and could focus more on the task at hand. Sometimes you have to throw the screaming voice into a box and do what you gotta do.

When we get back, I’ll be focusing more on choosing my color palette. Gabe’s been holding my hand since the fall and picking out my colors. I really need to learn to do this for myself. No, I didn’t realize until Gabe stated that, with paint, you mix all of your colors before starting your piece: then it clicked. I did that automatically in Advanced Painting: for some reason I didn’t think of applying the concept to a drawing. No idea why, but I should have. I’ll also be doing color studies over the break if I don’t become a victim to laziness.

Advanced Painting:

We finished our second painting based on our collages. Tomorrow we will review them. Based on the feedback from my first painting, my second ended up being more symbolic. Now, after knowing that for a week, I wondered yesterday if that was okay considering our paintings were suppose to be abstract and I had some clearly identifiable objects. Then again, Katia introduced some figures into her work and Linda didn’t mind. I guess I’ll just wait and see.

Western Art II: We just finished Baroque. The week after we come back, our outline for our research paper is due. Pearla wants to finish the other three trips during the break. There’s merit in picking our pieces before writing the outline, so I’ll probably end up doing it if things don’t get too busy. It will also leave ample time to do additional research, write the paper, and revise five hundred times before the end of the year. Our Midterm is also taking place after the break, so I’ve made flash cards in advance. Again, laziness permitting, I hopefully will study them.

Social Ethics:

We got our midterms back. I passed and I’m glad it’s over. We touched upon the concept of Justice. Professor Fried also assigned two more books and some reading to be done over the break. Also, our lab journals will be under scrutiny, so I have to relate my blurbs more to the text.

English Literature II:

I save this for last because it’s been bugging me the most. Currently, we’re working on Oscar Wilde’s play, “The Importance of Being Earnest”. Today, I had to give a presentation on my assigned character, Miss Prism, and hand in a two page paper. Considering I didn’t like my last grade, I went through six different drafts trying to make sure it was perfect. Instead, my confidence was completely destroyed when he started referring to all of these characteristics I hadn’t noticed, and then pretty much concluded the exact opposite of what my paper had to say. So, with that, I’m pretty sure the assignment was a complete flop and will be writing it over if he even lets me. I’m entirely frustrated. Yes, I may have aced my midterm and done well on his pop quizzes, but that is only because I’ve regurgitated what he’s said. Instead, I find I cannot come up with the right answers for myself, and my first thoughts are always completely wrong or not even close to what he’s looking for.

Am I some kind of idiot? I can’t think of what he’s thinking, or even remotely come close. Then again, the man has a doctorate in English literature and I’m just an undergraduate. Though, its problematic that my brain seems not to be able to even find the stupid box. All my thoughts are too shallow, but for some reason I can’t get into the material. Everything’s about what the poet must have thought when he completed each work and what society had to do about it. I read the history, and I read both the poems and the plays, but I’m still not making the right connections.

I wouldn’t care so much if it weren’t for the fact that I want to minor in creative writing. If I can’t consider the message behind any of these works-or come even remotely close-then is deciding to write a completely bonehead move? This small little doubtful voice is coming back whispering, “You can’t write. You can’t be a writer. You’re stupid if you can’t figure this out”. Except this is stupid. It’s just one little two page paper-I shouldn’t be freaking out about this.

But still, I am. I’m so frustrated it’s not even funny and I hate the thought of being considered stupid. Either way, all I know is I can’t do anything about it now. I’ll have to wait until he gives it back, which won’t be until after break. By then, hopefully, it won’t be bothering me as much.